In honor of prying myself away from the death grips of CapitalOne this month*, I have written a tribute. Want to hear it? Here it goes…

An Ode To CapitalOne – From Mike

You were my first, yes I admit it is true,
to give me the funding, to do what I do,
Though I had no real income, and no way to pay,
you said “Put it on plastic, and have it today!”

So from dinners, a Playstation, and DVD’s galore,
I always kept you handy, going from store to store,
We walked up and down aisles, buying all that I “need”,
Like two peas in a pod, we were best friends, indeed.

Do you remember the day that you ran out of steam?
Waitress said “Card declined sir!”, you said “Leave this to me…”
Told me “I ain’t got a dollar in my limit to spare,
but at home, in your mailbox, is another ME there!”

And as sure as your word, thank my lucky stars,
at home in my mailbox, another CapitalOne card!
Oh thank you! Oh thank you! Oh, CapitalOne!
Lets head back to the stores, lets go buy us more fun!

I need movies, a TV, I’ll take two of those, please,
Don’t take credit? No problem, I’ll withdraw cash, with fees…
Parent starts asking “Where you get all this, son?”
“What you mean, ma? I’m wealthy! Thanks to CapitalOne!”

A few months had passed, greatest time of my life,
Spending with you just always felt right,
Till you dropped me a letter, it started “Dear Mike”
And I sat for a read, thinking “this can’t be right…”

You said “Mike, I am sorry but I’ve got something to say,
all the good times we spent, well, I planned it that way,
Surely you knew I was not heaven sent,
My love comes with a cost, around prime + 19 percent”

You continued…

“Look Mike, I’m not mean, just accept it, it’s fate.
Besides, you’re girl loves when you bring me on a date.
It’s not like your the only one who’s fell for my plan,
and you can’t live without me, as none of your friends can.”

You finished…

“I know you might think I was being sneaky, right?
But I gave full disclosure right there in the small type:
That I’d pay for everything you could possibly want,
And I’ll leave once repaid, at 10 dollars to 1.”

Okay, I understand. I see how this game’s played,
You feed me and hook me and turn me to your slave,
but I know where I stand and I know what to do,
It’s overtime and Ramen ’til I get rid of you…

Now I’ve done what I must, sick of noodles and work,
but I’m free of your reigns, no more spend more than I earn.
Your “No hassle rewards” is my “No hassle, no more”
And I have no real need for your card anymore.

Oh, CapitalOne, how the good times flew past,
Though I wish I’da known how long the damage would last.
Now I can look back at the old times and have a good laugh…
“What’s in YOUR wallet?!” - From now on, it’s just cash.

*Of course, I’m not COMPLETELY free of CapitalOne. I still have a couple savings accounts with their online banking (they offer better rates than ING), and about 8-9 months ago I hastily signed on for a consolidation loan with them to consolidate the symptoms of my bad financial decisions. Notice I said symptoms, because I sure enough didn’t fix the problem of over-spending on credit.

Oh well. Two cards down, 5 more to go… Onward ho!

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